Thursday, October 26, 2017

Yeah, but no

Been obsessed with this song, this version, for the the past five days. His version came out in '79, Rundgren's version came out on '77; I don't know which or why I'm drawn to either, but it seems to be having an effect. The tea spell has come unraveled, as has a couple of other fixations that I've had since childhood. It's as if I've finally put the knitting right, I found where the stitches were dropped and put everything back into it's true pattern - mysteries solved and put away.





"We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet, sad, old song

Can we still be friends?"



*************************************************

Edit: Why, oh, why couldn't I have seen this tour?!



Sunday, October 22, 2017

I kinda forgot

My Daddy used to call me every Sunday morning. The phone just rang. It wasn't him.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Sometimes it takes a while

It just takes what it takes, and sometimes it takes a while to come on around.

I watched this video at least a year ago, maybe longer. I was a bit "meh" on it, but now I like it better. Quite often, "being good to yourself first" gets translated as "give yourself treats to make yourself feel better or special," which can only work for a little while. Like any box of chocolates, it's only special the first few times, then it's just the same old thing.

But now, after having done all I could do to love and care for each of my parents in their final days, I've had a little taste of loving until death do you part. It's not about dinner out or feeling special, it's about being fully present and loving faithfully a deeply flawed person right where they are. And if I'm not doing that for myself, how is it I expect friends or lovers I've not yet met to do the same? If my parents have taught me nothing else, watching them die has taught me that you have to commit to yourself with discipline and passion. If you don't fight for yourself, nobody can fight alongside with you.





Sunday, September 17, 2017

Last night on the couch

That's my prayer, anyway. I'm spending my nights on the couch with Dad in hospice. He's having some real breathing difficulties tonight, a real textbook case for death rattle and some sort of autonomic breathing pattern that I've forgotten the name of now. I'll spare you the details of all the difficulties and the deep disagreements I've had with the care he's been given here. I don't have the POA, I brought up my concerns, they've been duly ignored out of hand. At this point, my prayer every hour is that this ends tonight. Jesus said He had the keys of death, hell, and the grave, then please, Sire, release my Daddy from this torture.

I opened up this post to capture this moment in between, this place in between my life when I had some family and the morning I wake up to none. This isn't a rant post, it's a recovery post, because I can feel the difference between having a Dad I've been ever trying to have a good relationship with, yet ever missing the mark, and having no one left that I need to make happy.

It's not freeing, but there is less anxiety and less pressure within the day. Normal people are like this all the time, I suspect, but we codependents always have a little nagging shadow creeping up our spines constantly whining about all the things we should be doing but aren't. That little voice is disappearing and I'm choosing without bondage what I will do and what I won't. I won't miss my little shadow at all.

It's a damned shame that losing my Dad is what it's taking for me to throw off that shadow. He knows nothing about it, and I'm not blaming it on him. I'm so free that I can't even trick myself into a blame game for it, you know, "you held your father to account in your own mind for his faults in raising you, now you've precipitated his death from cancer by disturbing the cosmic balance," or some such other nonsense that once I would have wallowed in for years.

Nope. It's right and proper that the relationship die when the person dies. Believe me, I've already tried the route of trying to make amends to the dead and it just does not work. God has us all in hand, only Jesus can make things right with the dead, let them go.

So what shall I do, then? I don't know. But I feel my center of balance is inside me, not swinging so wildly out on the opinions of others anymore. Makes me the bad guy to some people here. Too bad.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Real page turners

I'm working my way rather swiftly thru a couple of books that I can really recommend. If you are having problems with choosing the wrong partners and friends, over and over again, then you're going to have to deal with the issues you have from your childhood. There's just no way around it, but these two are great starts for your self analysis. Not too complicated, but not simplistic mush, either. Also, both are written by therapists that have been in the field for years, so lots of experience to address the issues, plus lots of real life examples.

First, from a recommendation from Jerry Wise, Trapped in the Mirror; Adult Chidren of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, by Elan Golomb, PhD. I'm up to p. 185 out of 260 pp., and have done a fair amount of underlining where I self identified or heard a key point phrased in a new, perceptive way. The last chapter is called Sending Home the Negative Introject, presumably about pitching out the negative parental introject that we carry about with us even after the real parent is long gone or far away. I look forward to it, although the immediacy of the idea carries a frisson of nervous fear. If I'm not as I've always been, what then? Takes the valor of Sparta to carry on thru, I hear. May be.

The second I found while looking for any writers that also used the Murray Bowen paradigm of the family of origin, as also per Jerry Wise. I found Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.  It's a very good primer, it has put a few things into the realm of emotional response and maturity that I hadn't really considered to be in that realm. Some things that I had considered willfulness she classifies as more of a case of knee jerk emotional response. I can see that, and it helps to demystify some behaviors that I've been sorely tempted attribute to evil intent instead.

For a taste, I'll quote an enlightening chunk of description of the "The Passive Parent" in Gibson's book.

"Passive parents aren't angry or pushy like the other three types, but they still have negative effects. They passively acquiesce to dominant personalities and often partner with more intense types who are also immature, which makes sense given that people with similar emotional maturity levels are attracted to one another (Bowen 1978).

Compared to the other types, these parents seem more emotionally available, but only up to a point. When things get too intense, they become passive, withdraw emotionally, and hide their heads in the sand. They don't offer their children any real limits or guidance to help them navigate the world. They may love you but they can't help you.

Passive parents are as immature and self-involved as the other types, but their easygoing and often playful ways make them much more lovable than the other three types (emotional, driven, or rejecting). They are often the favorite parent and can show some empathy for their children, as long as doing so doesn't get in the way of their needs. And because they can be as egocentric as the other types, passive parents may use their child to meet their own emotional needs - primarily their need to be the focus of someone's affectionate attention. They enjoy the child's innocent openness and can get on the child's level in a delightful way. The child loves his or her time with this parent - but because the child is often filling the parent's need for an admiring, attentive companion, it becomes a kind of emotional incest.
...
As adults, it doesn't occur to them that they have a mission not only to have fun with their own children, but to protect them. Instead, they go into a kind of trance during the worst times, retreating into themselves or finding other passive ways to weather the storm.

In addition to unthinkingly abandoning their children when the going gets rough, these parents may leave the family if they get a chance at a happier life. If the passive but more emotionally connected parent leaves the family for any reason, the wound to the child can be especially deep, since the abandonment came from the parent who meant the most to the child.

Children who adored a passive parent can become adults who make excuses for other people's abandoning behavior. As children, they believed nothing could be done about their childhood situation and that the passive parent was truly helpless. They're often taken aback by the idea that their wonderful, nice parent actually had a responsibility to stand up for them when they couldn't protect themselves as children. They've never considered that parents have a duty to put their children's emotional welfare at least on an even footing with their own interests."

Yup. It's the truth.

Don't you want to read more? Get the Kindle version, reads well.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Upon waking

If both my parents were Christians, and we were living our lives according to Christian principles, then how is it my family turned into such a fucking mess?

This week was like watching someone get run over by a train. Inevitable, nothing I could do to change it even tho I was screaming in a polite measured tone to all parties, and then just Poof! - red mist, and the deed was done.

Dad's been in hospice care for a couple of weeks, he's got plenty of visitors, lots of attention, and great care. I'm tired of this hotel. It took me less than 20 minutes to have my things packed once I finally made the decision to get out of here at o'dark thirty. I'll be back, but my ability to walk in denial and distraction has reached it's limit for a few days.



Saturday, August 26, 2017

One more song

Back home late last night for a 36 hour turnaround. Needed to make sure the house and the cats were still here, sleep in my own bed, and be me, not just what I'm needed to be. Dad is now in hospice care after therapy just became torture. He's doing much better there, but therein lies the crazy, because there is where he'll never get well. His mind is good, this is his decision, and we all struggle to get our heads around it. I'm grateful for him, for his wife and all his dozens of friends that come relentlessly to tell him they love him and are praying for him every day, for how everything this time with him is completely different that it was with Maggie, for every memory that I had forgotten that comes back, and for every new memory that is being made and tucked away with love.

I got up early, just finished a good country breakfast, and have my newly found again old radio playing on the kitchen counter. Turns out they replay a Top 40 playlist from years ago every Saturday, it makes the house feel not unlike a summer morning at "the folks." No TV, no mouthy disc jockeys, no rest of the world, no need for anything other than the sound of crickets, lawn mowers, and a metal shop sander whining way down the street. It's a cool morning, windows open, stale air clearing out, making my list to prepare to go back.

This moment right here right now is plenty enough, I want to stay suspended between 8 and 9 o'clock. What's needed done until now has been done, what's coming is still a few days off and can't be worried over too much yet. By this afternoon, there will be more news from back home, more things besides cat food and green tea on that list, more heat, more sound, more questions, more grief, more fear, more prayers, more tears, more walking along this narrow way that has no turning back, more faith in this foggy quiet unknown, because it has to be met with confidence and persistence in God's love, lest our unspoken cowardices break out and break us all. Faithful and faithless, alike.

 Down into the fall at the folk's place.


***************************************************************


Recovery continues and help is being given to me as and when I can receive it. These are a couple of good finds I came across in the last few days:

Ross Rosenberg made some good observations and distinctions here, chiefly the difference between passive and active codependents. I've come to think of Dad as  Super-Passive (my own designation), but it has some rewards, too, chiefly the "salt of the earth" quality Rosenberg discusses. As for me, I'm a codependent anorexic these days. I tried and tried, but always with horrible, painful results - so I just quit altogether before my confused, chaotic heart got me destroyed altogether. 

Which takes me to this gem by Jerry Wise, "My Emotional Shell Keeps Me Safe, But Not Happy." Now I'm looking for a little turtle shell charm necklace to remind myself to come out of my shell and the shell of a self that others expect and respond to. It's not just another "should" on my list, I'm becoming more and more detached from all the shells I've been living in and I'm beginning to forget to carry them around. What was that thing Peter Michaelson said? Change just happens as you observe and understand what you've been doing until now, eventually you walk out of what isn't you anymore.

About your sense of self? The Real Secret to Setting Boundaries, also Jerry Wise. Your relationships with other begin with you - not him, her, us, or them. It's a good thing. Check out his other videos on self-differentiation.
 

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Misplaced desires

I knew it would happen eventually. My mother did this table in 1967 and I donated it to charity. It's marked "very old" and $39. They've dabbed a bit of paint in the chipped places and clear coated it. They spiffed it up very nicely, and if it weren't so emotionally freighted, I'd want it back now. I've been distracted by quite a few parrot Victorian designs in different things - wanting them, but not knowing why. This is probably why, and it's a very good thing to discover where a desire is really coming from.





 When Maggie did this table, Dad was in Vietnam, she was going back to college to finish her degree, and she had a rather joyful burst of creativity around the house. Several pieces of smaller furniture got antiqued with the new "old" finishes of the era, she took on a border for extra income in the mother-in-law suite, and I think she felt younger than she had for a long time. Navy and wife and mom were none of her favorite things, ever, but she loved school and she loved seeking out a new identity for herself. 

[Over and over again.]

I've also been listening to a lot of Jerry Wise videos, he's very good for long term healing and a big picture kind of guy. Like me, big picture, that is. I've been very blessed in discovering some ancient sources of desires and wounds within myself, like the tea cups and this table. I suspect for a great many people, the cues for so many behaviours have been lost in time and chaos. To heal and grow out of the damage from childhood, they have to wrestle onward in sheer gut determination, the shrapnel from old battles still in place. 




Jerry Wise has some great insight into ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics), and that is the paradigm thru which I realized how much damage I carried around from my raising. This morning's revelations of truth include that ACOA's can't handle intimacy because it hurts. Being intimate is a painful experience, just in and of itself. But that's what we all want because we weren't getting it in a healthy manner growing up. But when we do get it, it's painful. Not just scary or awkward. Painful.

Growing up in a river of denial means I can pretend the thing I want and need to be fully human and alive isn't painful at all for awhile - because I can stuff down and deny any kind of pain at all. Until it gets so big that I'm in screaming agony and have to run away. That's the beauty of long distance relationships - big dose of intimacy, often in the guise of confessional conversations or sex, then big separation where relief and recovery from the pain also goes unnoticed. Rinse and repeat, the addict/codependent mantra.

What I'd like to know is how to do over the creative discovery process that should have been childhood. Dana Morningstar at Thrive After Abuse had an interesting opinion at the end of one of her videos that if you really know yourself, you'll have clarity. CLARITY. It's a mystery word to me, I haven't experienced anything like it... Ever? In a long time? Since I was small? I don't know. I don't even have clarity about clarity, but I know that I should be able to identify (as a human adult) not just things and projects I should be doing, but things and projects that I-want and I-will do, regardless of what anyone else's opinion is on the matter. I don't just want clarity as a result of long term healing, I'm thinking it's my right as a human, a being who is entitled to think and be and make good choices for myself.

If you don't do Facebook, I think Morningstar's video excerpt there is from this much longer livestream video here. If I find the part later, I'll cue it up. Meanwhile, give Jerry Wise's videos about family of origin a listen. This is a good ACOA starter video:










Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sunday morning conversation

Great meditation to start the week.



"Dr. Todd Pickett speaks with Malcolm Guite and Steve Bell about the role of poetry, creativity, and repetition in the Christian life. They discuss the practice of liturgy and how a revamped understanding of liturgy could benefit modern culture."

Been a long time now




First, I've started listening to the Audible version of Hillbilly Elegy, by J. D. Vance. His family in Kentucky lived 70 miles west/southwest from Maggie's family in West Virginia, both older generations having toughed it out in the hollers, and the younger having moved to a larger town and looking to advance in the world. I think I'm all of four chapters in, but the people are very much the same. It's a little wild and a lotta scary, but he carries much of the same mix of respect, love, and woundedness that I feel towards Maggie's family. It wasn't easy, they had to be strong, but that toughness can and did turn right around and slaughter their sons and daughters after them. We don't get to pick our parents or the generations before us, it's neither fair nor unfair, it's just how we all got here. We have to move on.


This morning I stumbled into a review of Borderline Personality Disorder in a mother this morning, which is what I knew about Maggie before I knew anything about narcissism. I'll start you off with this video where he reads a poem he wrote for his mother's funeral. It's a good place to enter into thinking about how these things work out in real life. My experience was very similar to this man's growing up, which surprised me, but you never know who's been where.  After this one, go to Part One, then to one made a week later on children of BPD's, all by the same therapist.




It's good to go back and review the raw material sometimes, especially after several years of exploration and refining. I haven't been back this far at all in about two years, I've tidied up quite a few things in my mind now, but it's good to take a morning's walk thru the old trash back when it was in its raw state.

If I don't, I deceive myself into thinking this isn't what it really was,















that this isn't the mess that can overtake me still,



















that this isn't the chaos that I has been passed down to me thru many generations,



















that my soul can just walk away and start new.



















In truth it all has to be acknowledged, sifted, and then cast out. I laid my hands on every single thing left in her house and dealt with it all, will I not now have to do the same with what is in my own "house?" 

I'm finding I'm having to get very ruthless with old affections and likes and dislikes and familiarities and plans and purposes and comforts and all of me that's ever been until now. I'm tired of carrying everything I've ever been and everything I've ever thought. The sheer tonnage of stuff that Maggie never dealt with or parted with was staggering. I know because I was the one who hauled everything that had lost all value to the dump over the county scale. It feels very much the same as I keep hauling out bits of myself to either refinish or turn loose of, no matter how long I've been storing it. But I can't stop, I'm too tired to quit now. If I sit down, I may never get back up again. Best to just keep working.




Sunday, July 2, 2017

Blog touring this morning

Stopped by Sippican Cottage this morning and this was his most recent post. How many of us ever listen to a Bach fugue after high school band? Does anyone in high school band play them anymore? Anyway, the little tidbit on that video had me looking for more, so I went and found the full version of Toccata and Fugue in D minor. If they aren't your bread and butter, listen to it as a language and communication from a brilliant and foreign people, aliens even, speaking great wisdom and truth that you've never known before. Which, of course, it is.


About 2:40 into the piece is where I start to get high, or drunk, or whatever it is when your brain gets overwhelmed but your spirit will not give up the ride. Three times I've listened to it this morning, every time tears overflow from a well within that isn't often tapped. Our culture is rank with pew prophets, but the joy that springs from hearing the tongues of angels is life and medicine to my soul.

Steve Bell used a bit of something similar to transition two songs on Beyond A Shadow,  The Wellspring and Holy Lord. The shortened reading of Isaiah 6 between them is wonderful and clear, don't let the edits offend you lest you miss the majesty and the reality of Isaiah's commission. In this case, it's the music that fills in details, not the words. I've got both songs below, but cue them up before listening as they should be played cleanly back to back. Don't let any advertising break in on your meditation.



Steve Bell - The Wellspring


Steve Bell - Holy Lord



The sound of the great doors closing behind Isaiah broke my heart the first time I heard the album. One day, one hour, one moment with Him is what we live for as believers, isn't it?  He is with us always, I know, but we long to remain, unfettered, at rest, in the fullness of His own dear presence.

Job knew His voice, clear and true, and shared it with us, despite the humiliation and gory details of his own life story in which it came. "Not us, but God" is one of the hallmarks of Judeo/Christian testimony and prophets. If you're reading about some religious leader that worked really hard and finally achieved all the works that finally got him to God, then he's in some other religion. Our bunch is found by Him, despite ourselves. (If you can't find Him, call out and ask Him to find you. It's okay to be small and lost and scared, He isn't offended about that at all. Just call and keep calling, He'll come after you. Promise.)

I've also been listening to Dr. John Walton's lecture series on the Book of Job. I'm about halfway through (there's 30 mini-lectures!), but it's worth it. The place to start with Walton is Genesis... belay that. In looking for a video, I also saw all kinds of upset many people have with him, generally because it upsets an interpretation of the book they hold dear. I've listened to all sorts of Genesis theories and sermons, but it's always been something I've held lightly because of the way I first heard God speak out of the book.

I always heard "Let us make man-in-our-image," not "Let us make a new creature, call him Man, and he's going to be like us." Obviously, Adam (male and female) failed to be a faithful representation of God nearly straight off the bat. Not eating the forbidden fruit (until they Did eat) was the whole of their faithfulness, and that's not much of an Image of God, is it? We've just assumed that being a big leap over the beasts of the field was the Image of God. Being human is really special in the animal pantheon, but it's still an infinity away from being like God, to wit, every human that tells you he's just like God is immediately known to be a nutcase.

(Besides, all the contortions that expositors go thru to explain nothing dying and cities full of people springing up and Adam's sons marrying their sisters just gets so complicated it just falls apart. Yeah, you can come up with a lot of teaching on it, but way too much has to be fabricated out of whole cloth. Simplicity. If you don't know what a scripture means, just keep in the book but quit worrying on it. "I don't know yet" is a very sound response to things you don't know yet.)

I always believed (like, from elementary school onward) that God was starting a process that was going to result in humans and a tribe of people that would be His Image in human flesh. He liked all of creation (it was "good"), but he was working a process that didn't have its outcome until Jesus came along. Remember when Jesus said, "Father, in to Thy hands, I commend my spirit." That wasn't for safe-keeping, Jesus was saying, "I'm done. I've done everything and been everything You wanted me to do and be. Now, weigh me in the balance, examine me and my whole life. See if I am and I've done it right and completely to Your standards."

The fact that Jesus took up his flesh and his life again and walked out of that grave is the proof that He got it right, that his entire earthly life was acceptable, and Jesus was indeed The Image of God that the Father had been creating all that time.

So, then, back to Dr. John Walton's view or interpretation of Genesis and the ancient world - I don't have a dog in the young Earth creationist hunt. I'm fine with however God did indeed make the light and the darkness, the sun and stars, the land and seas, the creepy crawlies and the humans - however He did it exactly is fine with me. It doesn't have to be evolution, it doesn't have to be six days, it doesn't have to be anything I've already heard about, it could be something none of us have heard about.

I am stuck on "this is my Father's world," but I'm also fine with "we'll learn a bunch of the details later." Hey, I'm in my mid-50's now, I have no doubt the smartest people who ever lived barely scratched a mark in the surface of all there is to know. Wisdom isn't knowing everything, wisdom is knowing how to do what's best for today. All my capacity for knowledge and wisdom leaves this world when I die, there is no cumulative wisdom. You have to get it for yourself, no transplanting it into someone else, no matter how much you try.
(How many parents just said, "Amen, sister.")

How about starting with Dr. Walton the same place I did - via Seedbed. It's a great, short video resource site for a number of theologians I've come to appreciate. Short videos, I think 7 minutes is generally the goal, and it makes for a light meditation on subjects you haven't thought about in awhile. I don't actually remember what Walton says about Noah, so let's start there!




Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Adult Children of Narcissists

New (to me) overview description of adult children of narcissists. "Emotional reactivity" is my new paradigm for some aspects of CPTSD, it doesn't cover every bit of it, but it is working well for dismantling good bits of it. As ever, I find there's always room for a skilled tradesman with fresh eyes - in demo and in rebuilding.



Six Painful Core Issues for Adult Children of Narcissists, by Jerry Wise

Sunday, June 18, 2017

New video help - Jerry Wise

As per usual, I don't know how I found or clicked on his videos, but I haven't yet found a bad one in the lot. He's a family systems therapist, has decades of experience as a therapist (a HUGE difference among the youtube pantheon of codependence therapy), and I recommend his videos without reservation.

There are other therapists in the practice, they also make videos, but I'm not recommending OR warning about them. I will say that I recoil in horror from one of those therapists, he just creeps me out like watching a demon speak. Another one just brushed me the wrong way within a minute, so I just stopped the video and went back to another Jerry Wise video.

YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY. You may not like Jerry Wise. Watch what speaks to you. It could be that all the other therapists' videos from the Family Tree therapy group except Jerry Wise are the ones that are a real help to you.  I'm taking it on faith that everyone in that group is qualified and competent and could be of help, so, watch what helps you.

But, here's one that's a bit different and has some ideas that I'm working thru this morning. Below it I will link to some video lists that should encompass all of Wise's videos for easy shopping and viewing.







List "My Jerry Wise List"
(Not me, just the name of the list.)

List "jerrywiserelationshipsystems"

List "Jerry Wise's Videos"



Monday, May 22, 2017

Some would say




Some people would say that I have an issue. Perhaps I don't really need all these tea cups and maybe I should quit and get rid of a few. I can see that point of view, I really had no idea that I had so many until I just got them all out. I've got three tea kettles (for boiling water on the stove) and I'm not sure how many tea pots I have, I haven't gotten them all together to count.

Eight. At least eight tea pots. I had to find out now that I'm counting things.

Nine. At least nine.

I'm restless and a little bit all over the place. My father is having a liver biopsy this morning, and it will take a few days to figure out what's what. I'm hoping it's nothing at all, just a precaution. He may be in his 80's, but I'm not in any way prepared for him to be sick or to leave this world. I know he will someday, but I'd just as soon Jesus came back first and we all leave out on the same flight.

I cried my way thru the front door of the hardware store this morning, I can't bear the thought that there might not be at least one more trip to the hardware store with my Dad. It's what we did. I don't remember playing games with him, I can't remember that time we had tea together before he went to Vietnam, and I can't remember any of those times where he said I did a really good job and he was proud of me, but we had hundreds of trips to the hardware store together. He had a plan to fix the house or get some chores done, and I would go along and "help."

Now that I've long been grown, I still walk the aisles the way he did. I feel like I'm playing hooky a little bit when I veer off into the home decor and lighting sections, and I mutter just like he mutters when I can't find but one kind of dinky, el cheapo tape measure in the whole store. I mean, of all places, why can't you find a section of proper tape measures to choose from in a Hardware Store!!! What is Wrong with These People?!

Dad called just as I was writing this. He's back home, feeling fine, with orders to "make like a couch potato."  

I'm on a regularly scheduled vacation this week, I'll give him a few days to recover from being rather rudely poked and sampled, then go down and check on him myself. He's always been the steady one, never got sick much, and even if I only see him a few times a year, I count on him being somewhere. Somewhere where I can find him. Somewhere I could call him if something awful happened and I needed rescuing. Somewhere seeing to things on the farm, or blowing up beaver dams in the bottom woods, or fixing the drain at the stay place.

Some people would say I need to be more mature and stop thinking in such a childish manner. Grow up and deal with it.

I think I need to beef up the strong cobalt tea cup section, there's only two of those. And definitely branch out into more Imari patterns, I couldn't possibly leave all those beauties out there for someone else to have. And I believe I'm going to cry like a terrified toddler before the Lord and plead with Him to fix everything. Because there should ALWAYS be at least one more trip to the store with my Daddy.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Saturday collection One

Okay, I'm being ambitious that there will be a "Two" at some point.

Quiet morning at home, avoiding estate sales (because I really need to donate/sell some things first myself!), cruising the interwebs, and sharing with the world-ish.

Dana Morningstar of Thrive After Abuse had this little photo up, which struck me as the most radical, revolutionary change in perspective I could make in my life.



I understand that I probably already am the most important person in my life, that is just human nature, but what if I stopped stuffing it behind all the other shell games I play with my thoughts and emotions and just let it be loud and proud and out there for the world to see. Kinda makes me blink fast just typing that phrase, but I also think it's on target.

So then I began listening to some of her podcasts and found some great nuggets in these episodes:
Episode 8: How (and Why) We Get Hooked In with Love Bombing
Episode 20: Why People Don't Listen to Their Instincts
Episode 18: When Your Idea of Love Equals Pain
Episode 25: Some Thoughts on How (and Why) We Rush Intimacy

*******

Doing a little Ebay/Etsy shopping. Kept it down to less than $50, even tho they were small, antique china vessels for hot beverage. Three of them. Ahem.

*******

And, lastly, I've been observing myself to see if tossing hard memories into the river has any immediate effect. I am happy to report that there is a change in outlook, a sense that I've moved out of the old mind trap and into a greater sense of both freedom and safety. I was very happy to hear myself say (to myself) about one person who always gets under my skin, "She's not one up from me and I'm not one down from her - big surprise for her!"
(That's Pia Melody talk there. Glad it's sticking and producing results.)

Alright, I'm putting the kettle on, maybe bake something. Did you know Mary Berry has a great website?