Actually, I woke up quite chipper and relieved this morning - after reading this passage last night. Now I've got a name for things and a handle to begin working with them. Much relief. The trouble is not knowing.
From Surviving a Borderline Parent:
Anger can be expressed in many, seemingly surprising, ways. As you read the following list, see if you recognize any of these expressions of chronic anger in yourself:
- comparing yourself to others and feeling that they have it easier than you do
- critical thoughts, about others as well as yourself
- feeling inwardly annoyed and frustrated when someone doesn't understand you
- thinking of your rebuttal when someone is trying to talk with you, acting defensively
- muscle tension
- difficulty letting go of past resentments
- difficulty listening and taking someone else's viewpoint into account
- persistently feeling life isn't fair
- shutting down when upset with someone
- speaking insensitively to others, perhaps feeling guilty about it afterward (or not)
- an attitude of "whatever," or "so what-I don't really care."
Kimberlee Roth;Friedman, Freda B., Ph.D.. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem (Kindle Locations 1103-1109). Kindle Edition.
Looking at the list, I half wonder if anger isn't a prime characteristic of Gen X. The Boomers let all their anger hang out. Gen X has had to deal with all the trash and wasteland the Boomers left in their wake.
Not unlike a borderline parent, who gets to rage without consequences, takes the best for themselves and is never required to provide for those who come after, and who is always right.
Well, anyway, I'm feeling a metric ton or two lighter simply because I know I'm angry now, and I can start finding out about what and doing something about it. There is a way OUT now, and I am absolutely getting out of here! Enough, already!