Saturday, April 13, 2013

One day later

LATER (one day):  I believe I'll leave it up. Facebook is for community, blogs are the sole proprietary of the author, or as I put it when I first started in a post long gone - I am the tyrant of this blog. If I can't be myself here, speak in my own voice to no one who hears, then where?

Last November, before all the deathly seriousness began, I sent myself two texts so I wouldn't forget.

    "I'd like to be in a relationship to which I'm actually invited."


    "Solitaries don't need lunch, solitaries need families. They need a family that isn't "all of us" until they are there, too, and they need to know it's forever, not just until some Christian charitable obligation is fulfilled."

The latter was in anticipation of the holiday season to come. True to form, and in the blazing face of all the deathly seriousness at hand, not one "Christian" family invited me to a hot meal in their home. I understand the busyness of the holiday meals themselves, people guard that day like the gold at Ft. Knox, and I don't really mind that. Even in the face of heaps of poultry and "special" desserts that we consume every day, the preciousness of those holiday meals have been amped up even higher and they are reserved for family.

What I don't understand, and had to relate in tears to my father in a recent visit, is that not one of these Christian saints of God could find a place or a time to say, "Come and have dinner with us at our house tonight. It will be good see you." Twenty years knowing the same crowd and that's where I stand. Obviously I need new friends, ones with fewer church bragging rights and a place in their hearts for the people in front of them.

The first text is probably the source of the troubles in the second. I'd like to be in relationships (all of them, friendships, co-workers, casual, true love) in which *I* am welcome - the actual me, the me that doesn't have to cut myself up into acceptable portions so the other person can pick out the parts they fancy - like slaw, beans or salad at the Piccadilly. Really, what most people prefer is that I not come into the relationship at all, but just stand at the door, smile and make a joke and leave (before the meal begins.)

Thanks to the ADD, I'm at least a mile wide, I can cover acreage and entertain, but I'm not an inch deep. I also bring the heights and the deep with me, and it's just too much for most. It's definitely too much if you need to dwell by quiet shallow pools. I spin too fast over the next range and up to the cloud banks, and wait in the cool darkness for Leviathan to come near. Who wants all that at dinner every night?

3 comments: said...

I like the way you write

Sweetbriar said...


Brighid said...

You have touched a lot of nerves here, they needed touching. I'll get better at living because of it.