Well, we're out of the deep blues (was the background picture for the blog) and onto the crisp, blue heights of a mountain range I have no idea where. I did not know that walking on thru the darkness would find me at dawn's bright light looking at country I've never seen. No really, I still can't see it today, I just know I've crossed a ridge line and we're moving on to new country.
I don't like words like "accept" or "resigned," but the Lord and I are on the same page regarding my expectations and dreams. I've set aside my lists and wanna do's and we are agreed that we're just walking along day after day and won't be talking about those things anymore.
The best analogy I can give is like those pioneers headed across the deserts of the West sometime after the War (between the states.) You might start out from the green hills of old Virginia, hire the best trail boss and load up a fine new wagon pulled by the healthiest of oxen, and yet somewhere before the salt of the ocean would breeze across your face again you would still have lost the wagon train, roasted the remains of those oxen with the last kindling from the family chifferobe, and be walking the trail in uncertain company.
I thought certain I was at least allowed to keep a list or two of dreams. Surely one is allowed to have goals to light one's path, some kind of markers to let you know you were headed in the right direction? Not so much. The very last dream I had - ancient, sweet, and of great sentimental value - has fallen onto the trail for the last time, not leaving even a recognisable remembrance of it to carry in my pocket for old times' sake.
The only aspect of the journey that remains the same is the Friend who sticks with me. I've never paid him too much attention, I always thought he was too busy for me, but now that all the other has disappeared, he is it. I don't know where I'm going or why I'm going. I feel somewhat like a beast of the field, going from one clump of grass to the next, and really, I'm not an outdoorsy, let's go camping kind of girl AT ALL. Nonetheless, I'm trying to not be so completely aimless, I try to remember to ask my Friend what shall we eat, what shall we wear, shall we go by the northern route or the southern route to work today, do we have a shopping list, I don't want to call the hotel - help me, where's that check I was supposed to deposit, and where are my glasses I CAN'T SEE!!!
All day long like a lost shiny baby. Decades and decades of trying to do it myself with the least of help, I thought independence was the goal. Now I don't even know what "it" is, and I am becoming more dependent with every evolution. Unless I completely botch this up, without him I can do nothing.