Saturday, February 2, 2013

The briefest of eulogies

I just this second noticed it's my sister's birthday! I want to take her some flowers, but it's supposed to be freezing rain... I'll check and see if I can't still do it. It's only about three hours round trip. You see, since the post Binding Up  was first made, Mother was diagnosed with a far advanced tumor, went into hospice care after ...
OMG, I had to make the decision to put her into hospice care about 8 hours after that post went up!

 (You know, sometimes the things you are praying about aren't really your own wishes, it's God pressuring you to let the door open to where he is wanting events to go - even death. True to my spiritual training in my denomination I pushed hard against that door for a long, long time. It's been only in hindsight that I see how the Spirit worked with me and moved me along in these years. Like the song says, you have to know Him for yourself.)

[...and three hours later]

It snowed, and now it's melting. Maybe flowers in an hour or so, after traffic dries out.

So, what I was trying to get to was the doctor at the assisted living facility I transferred Mother to found a tumor and there was no reasonable remedy for it. Her health began to fail very quickly after the diagnosis, she became unable to write within a week and continued to waste away for about a month before she transitioned into her last crisis and died on January 8th. So, now she is buried next to my sister up the road a ways, and I'd like to take them both some flowers today. I've not been up there since the burial, and it's been interesting working thru the new state of affairs.

Loss must be grieved, even the death of loved ones in Christ. It took a couple of weeks to even consciously grasp that a member of the family was gone and the family structure had changed. I waffle a bit between relief and the old tension that remains from the fact of having to deal with the estate all by myself. All things considered, I think I'm doing pretty fair.

I've thought about my promise to return to the eulogy for the ideal parent that never was. I don't think I can go that far because I have no clue what such a person would be like for me, but I can imagine what Mother might have been like had she not clung so fiercely to the narcissism and pride. What if she had humbled herself much earlier in life and not been so doggedly determined to control other people? So here goes:





"Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to remember a most charming young lady. Even though her hair was silver and her eyes grew dim, her plans for the future ventured as far and wide as any college freshman.... "


And that's as far as I can bear to go with it. The loss is too great. What would have been if she had risked it all and been willing to be wrong, to be small, to know less and to have forgotten herself? I don't know, I really don't. Do you suppose it might have come out worse? That her family and accomplishments would have been less? As it turns out, only time tells that tale, but you can't take your house or your diploma or your resumé with you, only the love and the memories you made.

Go make some.

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