Sunday, March 16, 2014

Cutting some slack

Let's throw Mother a bone here, I think this is about the best heavenly reunion I expect at this point. It's a better vision that what I've been able to imagine so far. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons I end up with a long life is not only the Fifth Commandment, but the persistent heaving "NO" deep in my soul at the thought of meeting her in heaven, of having to deal with her and be around her again. Forgiveness and reconciliation are required there, no more tears, no lies, no fear, and I just can't deal with that yet.

You see, I have no vision of her having changed much, and I'm sure she would immediately begin by justifying her behaviour and really, I just don't understand all she's been thru, and if I had ever done X, Y, and Z like she had wanted it done in the first place, and nobody could expect her to .....

Well, that would be hell, wouldn't it? Now you understand, maybe, why I loved C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce so much when I found it at age eleven. It kept me sane for 40 more years.

Just so you know, Mother came in my dreams every night for nine months after she died wanting to stay, wanting to be taken care of just a little bit longer, invading every situation in those dreams yet promising to be good if only she could stay. I had to explain to her in plain language in the dreams that she was dead and was not permitted to stay among the living anymore. Every night. For nine months.

It wasn't until I said out loud in my waking hours (either to myself or someone else, I can't recall) that if she actually tried to come out of that grave, I'd be standing there with a wooden stake and a silver bullet. Whatever it took, she was not coming back. And I still mean that.

She was quiet for a long time after that, but lately she's showed up again. Maybe this post is a second public rebuke for that sort of thing. It isn't that her actual spirit is haunting me, it's just a little PTSD manifesting.

I thought we were ready to close the Estate (What! Yup, still dragging...), but the only other relative involved wants fairy tale money that has never existed. Yeah, he's just like her. Sad for him, but he's far away and not at any level my responsibility.

But how can it be 14 months later and this is still on my mind? Well, I'm guessing the ADD might make the processing of emotions something less that straightforward. Also, it's taken a long time to make all sorts of personal decisions and execute (or begin executing) them. I can make a great assessment and execution on the job, I don't have a dog in that hunt, but to try to see myself, change and make a new path from the inside out? It's like a blind man drawing a map.

The rules of life say I have to do it, but I have to touch and feel every rock and tree along the way first, then when I have the model in my head (oops, you caught it, didn't you?), I can start making a plan for getting there.

So, I am out rummaging around, tripping over tree roots, falling down hills, getting cold and rained on. But I am out, so that's still good. We'll have to close this estate somehow, and spring is definitely on it's way, so being lost out in the rough all night will be less chilly soon. I think that's why people marry, so when you fall in the ditch, someone can help you out. Right?

1 comment:

Sweetbriar said...

I wonder how long the "a little PTSD" will go on. I've been stuck in a "what if I made the wrong decision about..." loop for the last two weeks. I mean I panic, have to talk it out loud to myself and count up on my fingers the list of elements that went into the decision, and then think about that for a minute, to get myself out of the panic. It was the right decision, it always was - but I fear nonetheless.

I need to be doing something new, just get out of what's always been. A vacation isn't enough. Moving on is more than a holiday.