Thursday, October 30, 2014

A shake and a wave goodbye

A long planned for miracle got off without a hitch yesterday. No weddings, just a big pickup of household items by Habitat Restore. I get a tax write off and a bunch of people are going to find some Great furniture for sale this weekend. In the haul were two gorgeous cherry bookcases I had built when I finally started to have enough money to decorate, four Couristan and Karistan rugs that Mother always swore were my inheritance and she just LOVED, and a little white metal porch table of my sister's.

That little table was the Only personal item left in her room after she died. She had gotten rid of everything else she could, literally wiping herself out before she killed herself. I could tell you tales for hours about the histories and meanings of some of the things that have gone out of my house, but the point is that they are going out of me as well. There have been car loads of books to Friends of the Library, dozens of large plastic storage boxes to charities all over the city, so many office and art supplies donated to a school that the office lady had fear in her eyes that I was bringing in yet another cart full, and there will be more given yet. 

I only give good, useful things, the trash is thrown away. Sometimes, for some of us, the most difficult thing is distinguishing between the use of the things for others and how it's used in us. We blink at all that stuff with our fuzzy blue eyes and see how that's really a fine carpet and how maybe we could taking up sewing with some of those twenty five crates of fabric, and with the same glance we are consciously and determinedly Not looking at how those things are not a part of who we are or where we want to be. The illusion of value coats every surface, after all, look at how much it cost and we may never have the chance to own something like that again. But, grief and lost affections are the intoxicating perfume they release, every whiff a trigger of memory and a flashback of what could have been. With every load that I've given away, I've felt - physically sensed - the things being lifted out and carried away from me. 

Now, I'm not so foolish as to think that I can alter who I am by refining my possessions, but when I woke up this morning my back felt like it had been to the chiropractor. Knots and tension released all the way to my tailbone and the stress in my muscles properly aligned so I could carry my own weight lightly once again.  Happy fall mornings call for happy dance music, so I dialed up a bunch of music to bake by, especially my new theme song Shake It Off.

I decided I was not a whole wheat person, even tho I'm supposed to like it, so I've thrown out the whole wheat bread I made last weak and have my soft buttermilk bread in the oven. There is much to be done and it's a glorious, colorful, sunshiny day to do it in. 

Up in the music queue came For Good

Although I would have loved to be haunted by my sister after she died, there never was a moment where I felt her presence again. She and I were battle buddies in the trench war that was our family, and I was devastated at losing her.
Somehow though, as I sang in the kitchen this morning, she was personally, tangibly present with me again - and we were singing this song to each other. It was only a moment, completely unexpected and never to be longed for again, but we were two friends once more, with only joy and love and peace and pride at having been sisters. No burdens to carry anymore.

For Good

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

1 comment:

Sweetbriar said...

I gave away my beautiful cherry bookcases? Just walked past the rectangles they left in the carpet, it was still the right decision but they were so pretty! So, let's load up the car for the charity thrift store again. Onward, onward.