Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Shame, money, art, journaling

Just this minute found this article on how shame triggers impulse spending and debt, and the ways she is dealing with both.  I swing ever between don't buy anything and small impulse purchases that have added up to quite a bit. The kitchen renovation was the buy I made to bring my mother into my home, there HAD to be a plus side somewhere in the bargain, but that always sets off a whole house spruce up. 


There. Public safety first, you know.

As I was saying, my way of running up debt is to make small, on really good sale, purchases on my credit card, then pay for it later.


You know.

So I found this woman's article not only helpful to bring out the shame element at play, but her lead photograph above is from her journal, which she apparently does in an art journal mix. I've always admired art journals, but being such a wordy girl I haven't really understood an approach to bring art into it. The only ones I've seen before are by super talented real artists who could draw - and I'll never walk thru that room - or perhaps super organised scrapbooker types, but I haven't the OCD for that either. The closest I ever came was a couple of journals that I decorated the covers with stickers as I progressed thru the pages

This picture above I could do. Sometimes I map out words and understandings and revelations in like manner on super sized post-its that can be hung on the wall. I like to have it up at eye level, I can add to it as I pace or pray, and it helps my vision to be able stand afar off and look the whole thing over. Perhaps I could transfer those word maps into simple drawings like this one. It would elicit forms and colours out of me, and in the way the word maps often uncover connections I hadn't known were there, perhaps adding simple visual contexts for the words to inhabit will reveal what I haven't seen before. 

You know, the hardest thing about ADD and C-PTSD is I am constantly moving in response to impulses inside of me that I can't feel or have forgotten. I'm constantly churning in complete surprise to things I can't see, yet those things keep popping up!  

My brain behaves like it is its own secret garden. There are mazes of little gates that I've locked behind me to keep the fears and losses contained, yet the weeds keep blooming. I keep sneezing and fighting off the sinus infections, and the little weed seeds keep jumping the walls to ruin every precious new planting with their trash. Maybe drawing out the lay of the land as I discover it will help me open it up to the Great Architect's eye so He can do something with it. I so want flowers and bowers and fruit trees and maybe even candlelight suppers that I can hardly stand it.

 Because flowers:

Happy St. Patrick's Day. 
May God open the gates and drive all the serpents from our gardens.

p.s., you really should click on "suppers" above. Hyacinth is a real hoot! :D

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