Thursday, October 22, 2015

I don't wanna

work at the airport anymore. Since I was 11 years old and I've had enough.


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Putting things right

Somewhere at the beginning of this year I declared that this year was just for me, doing what I needed or wanted done, and not doing what other people needed or wanted. It's a break from the form I've always been molded into for the purpose of healing and finding my own needs and wants. A year in the life of middle aged person is not very long, but it can turn a life around. I'm thankful it isn't over yet. 

I'm reading Mere Christianity again and came across this:

"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man." 

Progress. If we don't know what we're doing or where we want to be, then just doing is what we do, preferably as much as possible. The Democrats had their first presidential debate last night and everyone wanted to be a Progressive.  I think that's pop culture code for having a hipster lifestyle resumè. Looks very stylish to be poor, but no one talks about how painful and expensive it is to be poor. 

I'm trying to make progress in not only healing my life long frazzled mental state, but establishing where and how I want to spend the rest of my finite life. As it turns out, the time I'm spending going back to where I got things wrong (no matter who was at fault) and starting again with the most basic elements is the time it takes to turn the future. When I mean basic, I'm talking habits of self care, taking authority (not just responsibility) of what I believe, and continuing on with purging what I carry because I might and treasuring what I truly do want. 

The shortest way back to where you want to go really is turning around and going back to where you made the wrong turn. It wouldn't be possible at all if I were still in relationships with people who require me to be someone else, and that is so, so sad. I feel bad for them. I'm really someone they would have liked, but it just wasn't possible. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

New colors

New background picture: peaceful green texture. Because we're all like, peace out, man. Just chillin', y'know?

Today sucked, but I'm just not going to worry about it.  I'm handing off the worry quickly to the Lord these days, it's more important to just keep going AND feel alright about it. I tried, I can't fix anything more than I fixed, if that's not enough someone will let me know with red ink on a memo fairly soon. No point in getting upset about anything.



Look closer

It's a paperweight. Thick glass, you put a photo or little memento inside and glue the back on and you're memory is secure and contained. Because it's convex, it also acts as a little magnifier, the better to see your beloved by.

Even as I was ripping out the ragged, dirty photos of us kids that Mother had carefully cut out and pasted together under the glass, I heard myself speaking out loud the truth that no one wants to hear. If your children leave and do their very best to never come back, there's something wrong.

And it's probably you.

I can't count the number of times I've heard the excuse that the children went bad and no one has any idea why they left, goodness knows the parent did everything they could, the children were just selfish and got in with the wrong people. There's something about the human heart that wants to go home to mom and dad no matter how old you get. If you can find an excuse, you'll go, or call, or write, or keep in touch somehow.  If the children aren't, then there was something rancid or cruel going on in their formative years and the adult children aren't obliged to go back and pretend it never was. Usually, everyone else takes up that delusion for them.

Earlier this afternoon I was reading an article about how male pastors abuse their spiritual authority by commenting on their women parishioners' prettiness. Sounds harmless, doesn't it? The author tried to look at every angle by which the pastors' could be justified in the behaviour, but when it comes down to the pastor's role in the life of a believer, there is no place for crossing that line into thinking and acting according to the fallen world. Physical beauty is fleeting and has no inherent reward in God's kingdom, not to mention that no woman apart from the one at his own house is his wife and he has no business qualifying his behaviour towards any woman anywhere due to how pretty she is. 

It's manipulative, demeaning, deceptive within the Body of Christ, and wrong.

The women commenters to the article understood the problem, some of the men did, but quite a few of the men defended the behaviour to the uttermost. They didn't want to have to stop looking at women for the purpose of seeing if she met their standards of  "pretty," and they didn't want the family dynamic within the church to change so much that they would have to see the stake they have in keeping women constrained to those standards. It gives them pleasure and power, and they aren't going to give that up, their life in Christ be damned.

There remains the saving power of Christ, but it can come with the tears of a man rescued after he has set his own house on fire. It's a dreadful end for a lifetime of work.

One more thing -
I was listening to an album of scripture memory songs this week, it's just nice to sing the Word, and the Word only, without extra commentary, especially songs you first learned decades ago. James 1:5-6 came up, this time I heard it from the scripture instead of the endless sermons I've heard about it.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind."

Trust [faith] in the wisdom God gives you in response to your request. Don't do a double take [doubt] and try to trust your own or the world's wisdom, too; it makes you unstable, you can't have two minds on the subject and get anywhere. Go with God's wisdom, there's plenty of it to get you all the way thru and He will never scold you for asking. 

(Most sermons accuse you of not having enough faith in God to get the wisdom, but faith isn't the subject here, wisdom is. Remember, God never reproaches you for being ignorant, don't let anyone else accuse you either.)