Sunday, January 24, 2016

Video, audio, book list

I've just had a cracker of a morning listening to some CDs I've listened to before, watching/listening to some youtube videos that I've not seen before, and baking a cake that didn't come out, but it should. I'll do the cake again, I think I over mixed it, and I'm going to recommend my list of go-to information for childhood trauma and recovery.

I just watched a video about dissociation that just about pulled me out of my skin. By the time she was done, she could have just as well called it "Welcome to My ADD" because she had described what I've been doing all my life to cope with life. Being not present is the only way I get thru the day and the decades, and all this time I just thought it was distraction. I don't doubt that distraction thru dissociation is now hardwired into my brain, so the brain disorder of ADD is an accurate diagnosis as far as it goes. But I am NEVER fully present in the moment, in my own skin, in the truth about my life, in the truth about a host of other people and in the truth of my relationships with a host of other people.

I'm just NOT HERE, and I don't know that I've ever been here since I was a very little kid. That is just fucking scary.

Where am I? Daydreams, shopping, procrastinating, planning what I will do but am not doing now, working my job with blinders on so I don't have to think about anything else, putting out family fires or trying to get someone else fixed but not actually doing necessary and needful things for myself, watching TV or a movie or reading a book, remembering my past and trying to figure out what the whole deal with that was, wishing I could go to bed early or, in years past, wasting too much time sleeping so I don't have to be awake and aware in the present, or the great modern way of not being here: being on the internet.

Another couple of good, provoking videos I watched this morning are from Escape From Narcissism. One was...nevermind, here's a list:
Narcissist Parents Expect Their Children to Parent Them. Absolutely spot on.
Narcissism: Disturbing Clues in an Old Family Photo. We don't have many family photos. Despite Dad's photo "hobby," no one took many photos. I was horrified to find an old spool of negatives and discover that he had made the one roll last for over two years, even tho we were all kids at home. No one wanted to capture our lives and remember it later, no one made the effort to look at someone else in the family with kind eyes and make them look good on film. Neither of my parents had taken a good picture of any of us or each other in two years. Why?
Decoding: Was the Enabler a Narcissist All Along? I want to write something about my Dad's part in the family, and I recognize quite a few things she talks about, but I think she makes the common mistake of trying to put people in a bad guy mold that can be labeled "narcissist" or "addict" or whatever else we can see with our eyes and sort our world out with to make some sense.

I'm using the Pia Mellody preferred term "childhood trauma" because "narcissistic abuse" is just too narrow.  People act blindly and selfishly towards their children on a moving scale, it can get better and it can get worse. Most of the time, most parents haven't got a clue what they are doing to their kids because they don't really know or own up to who they really are themselves. They just are trying to get along, make a living, find some kind of reward for having lived, and once you are the one in charge you rarely question the quality of your own behavior towards others.

Pia Mellody is your girl if you want get serious about coming out of All of the mental confusion and getting on with your business of living.
This list includes all the instructional videos of her I could find online. She didn't actually publish them, but they are there and they are fantastic. She is a professional and she has a paradigm that works for the entirety of recovery, not just a hot patch for getting thru the next week or two.

She actually works out of The Meadows, an in patient treatment facility in Arizona, and their bookstore carries CD's and DVD's of hers available for sale. Generally, they are lectures to a larger group of patients and therapists, and they are comprehensive and wonderful. Her books are good and probably available in your local used bookstore, they have pretty much the same as what you will hear on the CD's, but you'll get it Much better if you have a few CD's to listen to as well. I'm guessing I'll have most of her CD's by the time I get done. I recommend you get the following CD sets as a bare minimum. Pop therapy online can be good, but you need the larger framework she has worked out in years as a professional therapist.
Permission to Be Precious
Love Addiction/Love Avoidance

Get them! You need to hear that what you are suffering and all the crazy things you are doing aren't unique, can be understood in a rational way within the big picture of childhood abuse and trauma, and there is an established map to guide you out of the confusion. It's not a big secret, there's no esoteric knowledge to be initiated into, and whoever abused you is not a great big bogeyman that can continue to come after you in flashbacks and mental illness the rest of your life. Mental health and emotional maturity are skills that can be learned.

Less analysis, more recommendations.

 Spartan Life Coach is good for thrashing out what narcissism is and beginning to own up to what that means in a relationship. Most of the time, he is speaking about romantic relationships, but parental relationships are thrown into the mix, too. He's a plain speaker, easy to listen to, and as far as he goes, I can't think of anything he's done that I would put a warning label in front of - go ahead and watch them all. I can recommend his London 2015 Seminar video course, too.

There is another group of therapists I'm working my way thru, but I'll have to wait on that recommendation. One of them is good, but another fellow they have in the group is just creepy - he does need a warning label, and it reads "This guy is a narc himself! Stay away!" When I get that group filtered, I may just add the good ones to my video list linked above.

I'll edit this post as I add to the list. Right now, I need out of the house and into the Present.

1 comment:

Sweetbriar said...

Continuing with the dream theme, I woke up with another one and it was a doozy - a Wonderful doozy!

I've often dreamed of houses in my dreams my whole life and I know they are the representation of me, what is going on in the house is what is going on in me. In this morning's dream, I was in my own usual house, which is pretty much like my real house, but it usually has some things going on that aren't quite the same. Usually in my dreams, I have neighbors that are sneaking in when I don't know it, but I never know what they are up to, plus I live near the river, but in this case the river is almost always at flood stage - fast and deep.

This morning, I dreamt the neighbors were having all sorts of construction issues going on. Apparently most of them had sold up to some developer and he was renovating the houses and digging up half the road with the weight of all the trucks. At first, I was just trying to get to work on time, you know, find my clothes and get out of the house and not be late, but then as I was doing all that, the developer sent sales people over to my house along with his contractors and then his workmen started poking around. His sales people were trying to get me to sell to them, roll me over, really, because they weren't offering me full value on the house. I mean, it's on this hillside with a nice lot overlooking a river! It's got real value any day, but in this market it's top dollar.

But, the sales people were just snowing me, chattering on and assuming I would fine with whatever they offered. I mean, a country bumpkin like me, of course I couldn't know what it was really worth and I would just take it. Their contractors were with them, and they started pointing the workmen to start moving this and taking that out and digging this other up along the foundation.

I was getting very angry and was calling the police to get these people who were trespassing on my property out of there. I started filming them with my phone, getting their names and likenesses so the police could arrest each one for trespassing and defacing my home. I really raised a ruckus and started cutting their realtor locks off the doors and utilities, and finally drove them all out.

(Dreams put into words - the last scene of that part was that I had driven up to the attic, which was Huge, and three contractors were sitting around up there in their cars and I actually rounded them up like cattle and DROVE them out of my attic. Funny part - my attic, which would be my head, was completely empty. It was over an acre in size, but not a thing in it! LOL)

Anyway, later in the evening with everything quieted down, I was in the closed in carport (sort of a cool porch affair) with a couple of friends and sharing some old music CD's with one of them.
A car drove up to the door and I opened the door to see, and it was two people in the car. The driver got out and handed me a stack of folded up checks and pay packets. Everyone that I had accused of trespassing and violating my house was paying what they owed me for the damage and the judgements against them for trespassing. The driver got back in the car and left and I knew they wouldn't be messing with my house anymore.

But I'm not done yet.

When I woke up, I was reminded of an old preaching tape of Lynne Hammond's testimony. "From that moment on, the devil paid. Every day he stayed at my house, he paid."

But I've got to get my clothes on and get to work for real right now, so I'll have to tell you the rest of that later!