Sunday, August 13, 2017

Misplaced desires

I knew it would happen eventually. My mother did this table in 1967 and I donated it to charity. It's marked "very old" and $39. They've dabbed a bit of paint in the chipped places and clear coated it. They spiffed it up very nicely, and if it weren't so emotionally freighted, I'd want it back now. I've been distracted by quite a few parrot Victorian designs in different things - wanting them, but not knowing why. This is probably why, and it's a very good thing to discover where a desire is really coming from.

 When Maggie did this table, Dad was in Vietnam, she was going back to college to finish her degree, and she had a rather joyful burst of creativity around the house. Several pieces of smaller furniture got antiqued with the new "old" finishes of the era, she took on a border for extra income in the mother-in-law suite, and I think she felt younger than she had for a long time. Navy and wife and mom were none of her favorite things, ever, but she loved school and she loved seeking out a new identity for herself. 

[Over and over again.]

I've also been listening to a lot of Jerry Wise videos, he's very good for long term healing and a big picture kind of guy. Like me, big picture, that is. I've been very blessed in discovering some ancient sources of desires and wounds within myself, like the tea cups and this table. I suspect for a great many people, the cues for so many behaviours have been lost in time and chaos. To heal and grow out of the damage from childhood, they have to wrestle onward in sheer gut determination, the shrapnel from old battles still in place. 

Jerry Wise has some great insight into ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics), and that is the paradigm thru which I realized how much damage I carried around from my raising. This morning's revelations of truth include that ACOA's can't handle intimacy because it hurts. Being intimate is a painful experience, just in and of itself. But that's what we all want because we weren't getting it in a healthy manner growing up. But when we do get it, it's painful. Not just scary or awkward. Painful.

Growing up in a river of denial means I can pretend the thing I want and need to be fully human and alive isn't painful at all for awhile - because I can stuff down and deny any kind of pain at all. Until it gets so big that I'm in screaming agony and have to run away. That's the beauty of long distance relationships - big dose of intimacy, often in the guise of confessional conversations or sex, then big separation where relief and recovery from the pain also goes unnoticed. Rinse and repeat, the addict/codependent mantra.

What I'd like to know is how to do over the creative discovery process that should have been childhood. Dana Morningstar at Thrive After Abuse had an interesting opinion at the end of one of her videos that if you really know yourself, you'll have clarity. CLARITY. It's a mystery word to me, I haven't experienced anything like it... Ever? In a long time? Since I was small? I don't know. I don't even have clarity about clarity, but I know that I should be able to identify (as a human adult) not just things and projects I should be doing, but things and projects that I-want and I-will do, regardless of what anyone else's opinion is on the matter. I don't just want clarity as a result of long term healing, I'm thinking it's my right as a human, a being who is entitled to think and be and make good choices for myself.

If you don't do Facebook, I think Morningstar's video excerpt there is from this much longer livestream video here. If I find the part later, I'll cue it up. Meanwhile, give Jerry Wise's videos about family of origin a listen. This is a good ACOA starter video:

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